The Revan Show
by The Demon Phoenix
Summary: (KOTOR Universe) Set a month after the darkside ending. What does a Dark Lord of the Sith do after he has conquered the galaxy, destroyed the Republic and left the Jedi Order in shambles? Why, he stars in his own public access show, of course!


The Revan Show

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Star Wars or KOTOR related. 

A/N: This is a repost of the fan fic I had posted in the Star Wars movie section, not many people saw it but someone who read it suggested I move it to the game section.. Which.. You know, made more sense... Since.. Since it is you know.. Based on the game. Erm. Enjoy and if you like it be sure to check back soon for another episode!

* * *

A card is held up in front of a holo-recorder that reads 'The Revan Show'. While this is being done Revan can be heard singing a song off-screen to the tune of the 'Batman' song. 

"NANANANANANANANA RE-VAN! _RE-VAN_!"

The holo-recorder goes out of focus and Revan drops the card, a view of the Star Forge command center is seen momentarily. "Ahem. Er .."

Revan, mask-less and hood-less, bends down out of the camera's view and the sound of him picking up the card can be heard. He attempts to stand back up with the card but instead knocks into the holo-recorder, sending the equipment tumbling backwards.

"Oops! Dammit! B-Bastila! Ineed you to hold this thing for"

The holo-recorder is shut off.

* * *

The holo-recorder is turned on moments later, it is now focused on Revan who is now wearing both his mask and his hood. They are in a different room now which is completely black save for one spotlight on Revan. 

"What made you decide to become the Dark Ruler of the galaxy?" Bastila is heard off-screen.

"Well, I" Revan begins, sounding like he normally would, however he clears his throat and decides to use his 'Dark Lord' voice. "I woke up one day and I was all: 'Grr, the jedi are stupid.' and then Malak entered my room and was all 'Grr, I do everything you say.' and that little Vandar guy was all 'Grr, evil you must not be.' So I was all 'Argh, I don't listen to green midgets, argh.' and that was the day I decided to take over the galaxy."

Bastila is heard blowing her nose off-screen as if she was crying. "That must have been a wonderful day."

"Yeah." Revan stood silent for a moment. "Now what?"

The holo-recorder is turned off.

* * *

Again it is switched on, however, the holo-recorder is now set up in the command center once again, Revan can be seen over looking space with his back to the camera. 

"Argh. I am the ruler of the galaxy."

"Darth Revan, we have found and captured Carth Onasi." It is Bastila, again off camera.

"Bring him to me." Revan says darkly.

Bastila walks over to Revan clutching a large pillow. The pillow is wearing a crudely made 'Carth wig'. Also, two angry eyes are drawn on the top of the pillow in marker. She sets 'Carth' down in front of Revan. The pillow falls over and the wig falls off.

"Why, he is so afraid his hair has fallen out!" Revan says aloud, pointing at the pillow. He laughs nervously and scoops the wig and the pillow up. He sets the wig back on the pillow and holds it out in front of him.

"What have you to say to me now, Carth!"

Revan begins to speak in a high pitched voice from the side of his mouth. "OH! Please don't hurt me, Dark Lord Revan! You are the true ruler of the galaxy, please, spare my insignificant life!"

"I will spare your life, Carth Onasi. You may go now."

"REALLY! THAT IS SO GREAT! I"

"Carth." Revan interrupts the pillow.

"Yeah?"

"I lied."

"Oh."

Revan throws the pillow to the ground with a loud growl and stomps on it, he then begins to beat it up, the wig goes flying off screen in the process.

After about 3 minutes Revan stands up before the crumpled pillow. "Know, Carth, that I never let my escapees … escape." Revan picks up the pillow and stuffs it into the garbage chute, the pillow is shot out in front of the Star Forge.

"FIRE THE SUPER LAZER."

There is a moment of silence before one of the Star Forge's crew members speaks up. "Ah, Dark Lord Revan …?"

"What is it?"

"We don't have a Super Lazer."

"Oh."

Revan turns to face the window again. He watches the pillow spiral gently through space.

"Bastila." Revan says finally.

"Yes?"

"Remind me to install a Super Lazer."

The holo-recorder is shut off.

* * *

"Turn it on, turn it on!" The holo-recorder is turned on, it is Revan's voice. "I want them to see me handle business." 

"Bring in the chieftain of Kashyyyk." Bastila shouts and Zalbaar's brother is brought in front of Revan.

"So, Rowrorirororirirorarerarhorirkkkkyyyyyrorororoorissssxxxxccckkadeororwywoo, what brings you here before the Dark Lord of the galaxy?"

"RRAAUURRGGGHHH. GRRROOORRRWWW."

"I don't care if that's your name or not! It sounds like your name. Now, what is your problem, Roworwohkikiriririririrororororowrowrowrwrowrwroradfajnsorkwoo?"

"RRREEEEAAAGGHH ROAR."

"I see," Revan began. "You claim your people are following your orders … but they do not like you?"

"REARGOH!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Ralph?"

"ROWR."

"You told me your name was Ralph!"

"REEEOOOAAARRR."

"I know what I must do."

"Roar?"

"KILL YOU!"

Revan pushes Zalbaar's brother into the garbage chute, he is shot out into space.

"FIRE THE SUPER LAZER."

"We haven't installed it yet!"

"DAMMIT!"

* * *

The recorder is turned on, the room it is in appears to be some sort of long hallway. Revan can be seen, without his mask and hood, standing in front of a door on the far end of the hall. Bastila's whispers off camera. 

"Let us see how Revan collects rent on the Star Forge."

Revan knocks on the door he is standing in front of, he scratches the back of his head, waiting patiently for the door to be opened.

"W-who is it?" A voice from behind the door is heard.

"It is the Dark Lord." He says in his dark voice.

"W-what do you want?" The voice belongs to a man.

"The rent." Revan says evenly.

"What rent?"

"The rent that you pay for living in _my_ Star Forge!" Revan says angrily.

The door opens up and out walks a man in a Sith uniform, he scratches his left arm nervously as he approaches Revan. "Yeah, about that … I … gave it away."

"You gave it away!" Revan says in his regular voice, he clears his throat and says it again, this time in his deeper, more evil voice. "You gave it away!"

"Yeah. Myah … mom needed it."

"For what?" Revan asks.

"Her rent."

"Why, that is not fair!" Revan says in outrage. "She should pay her own way!"

"She's in the room next to mine … if you want to get it back." The man turns around and closes the door behind him.

"And I most certainly will! Good day to you sir!"

Revan shuffles over to the next door, he knocks on it.

"WHO DISTURBS MY BATH?" An old woman barks through the door, the outburst makes Revan jump.

"T-The Dark Lord Revan." He says in a high pitched voice.

The door swings open and a large, Rancor-like woman stomps out of the room holding a towel around her body, she is old and cranky looking. She towers over Revan. "What do you want?"

"The … rent."

"Oh!" The woman claps her hands together. "Of course!"

She waddles back in to her apartment, she then could be heard sifting through her drawer. Soon she comes out and hands Revan the credits.

"Here you go sweetie," She pats Revan on the head and turns around, slamming the door behind her.

Revan sighs and puts a gloved hand on his forehead. "I need to make Bastila do this."

* * *

The camera is again in the command center and Revan is looking over space through the massive window, except his attention is on the floating pillow that is still drifting in front of the Star Forge. 

"I did not take into account that you could breathe in space, Carth Onasi." Revan scratches his chin. "No matter, once the Super Lazer is installed you will wish that you could also breathe … in … a … big lazer beam."

Revan looks to the side, speaking in a hushed tone. "Did that sound cool? Like, would a Dark Lord say that?"

A hushed voice is heard off-screen, it is a Sith soldier. "I don't know, I was never a Dark Lord."

"Well, if you _were_, what would you say?"

"Well," The Sith soldier thinks for a minute before responding, the next words that he says to Revan are unintelligible. "…"

"That's great!" Revan says excitedly.

* * *

Same scene from before, Revan is looking over space and the pillow, he arms are folded behind his back. 

"Are you breathing in space at me, punk?" Revan says darkly at the floating Carth pillow. "I don't see anyone else breathing in space but you, so you must be breathing in space at me. Well, Carth Punknasi, try breathing in the beam of MY SUPER LAZER!"

"Sir! It's not ready yet!"

"DAMMIT!" Revan pounds the big glass window. "KILL WHO EVER SAID THAT!"

The man's screams are heard as he is dragged to the garbage chute, he is shot out of the Star Forge.

"Sorry, Revan." The Sith soldier from before is heard off-screen.

"Oh no, it's not your fault." Revan looks in the Sith's direction. "In fact, I'm giving you that guys job, the one that I just had killed."

"That's great!" The Sith soldier says happily.

"Don't mention it."

The recorder is switched off.

* * *

The holo-recorder is turned on, Revan can be seen sitting in a recliner with a pair of round reading glasses. He is reading a book. The cover reads 'Why Revan Was Always Better Than Me' it is written by Malak. 

"Sir!" The door on the side of the room opens, the recorder turns to face the man who opened the door. His face is red and he is huffing.

"What is it!" Revan says in mock surprise.

"Jedi" The soldier pants. "Knights."

He falls over. It looks like he's dead … but he's breathing subtly, as if faking it.

The recorder turns back to Revan who is now standing with a lightsaber ready, he then speaks in an overly dramatic voice. "Do not worry, nameless soldier, your death will be avenged." He turns to face the recorder. "It's saberin' time."

* * *

The recorder turns on in a dim hangar-like room, standing in front of a Sith ship (with a sign on it that reads 'A Jedi Ship Disguised Like A Sith Ship') are three Sith soldiers, dressed up like jedi. They are each holding a plastic lightsaber. 

"… Down with Revan!" Says the first one, reading a sheet of paper he is holding. He pauses for a moment and then slowly raises his fake blue lightsaber over his head.

"In Unison: … Yeah!" The other two read at the same time, they both lift their sabers (one green and one yellow) in the air.

Revan suddenly hops in front of the recorder, he too is holding a plastic lightsaber, his is red. "Grr!"

"Gasp," Says the first one, still reading from the paper. "He is much more handsome than I imagined."

"We … have no hope to win." The second one reads.

"Let us … run." The last one finally reads.

"It is too late, jedi scum!" Revan says darkly and leaps at the three, he smacks the first one across the face with the lightsaber who falls to the ground with a fake scream.

"Billy." The second one reads. "What have you done to Billy."

"That was a question." Revan whispers.

"Huh? Oh." He reads again. "What have you done. To Billy?"

"The same thing I'm gonna do to you!" Revan thrusts his plastic saber forward, it retracts as it hit's the second one in the stomach. It appears as if he has stabbed the second one, who falls as soon as he is stabbed.

"I will ave" The last one begins. "Oh wait."

Revan and the last 'jedi' stand silently.

"…" The second one opens his right eye and looks at his paper. "…Avenge me."

"I will avenge you!" The last one finally says.

Revan bops the last one on the top of his head, he falls over.

"I have saved the Star Forge." Revan turns to the recorder.

He then shuts it off.

* * *

Once again the recorder is turned on in the command center, Revan is standing where he always stood in that room (in front of the big glass window). 

"Carth Onasi," Revan begins. "I hope you like the color green. Because that's what you'll look like before you die. FIRE THE SUPER LAZER!"

A big whirring noise is heard, suddenly a big green beam of light shoots out from the bottom of the Star Forge, it zips through space and strikes the floating Carth pillow right in the face. It explodes in a giant ball of flame.

"YEAH!" Revan pumps his fist in the air, the light from the explosion brightening the command center. The crew all give a standing ovation.

"D-Dark Lord Revan?" Bastila is heard off-screen, she is holding the holo-recorder.

Revan turns to Bastila. "What is it?"

"That explosion is getting very close." Her arm moves in front of the holo-recorder and points at the blast. Revan turns, the whole crew suddenly becomes silent.

"Oh crap."

FWOOSH. All that can be seen is flame as the explosion rocks the command center, screams can be heard as everything begins to shake violently.

Bastila and the recorder fall over, computers can bee seen in flames, soldiers are falling all over the place (some even on fire as well), everyone still standing can be seen trying to find their footing as everything continues to shake.

"CURSE YOU, CARTH ONASI!" Revan is heard over the pandemonium before the recorder goes blank.

* * *

The recorder is now in what looks to be a hospital area, a nurse is holding the recorder and Revan is in front of it completely bandaged up. 

"Welcome to the medical wing of the Star Forge." Revan groans in his normal voice. On the table next to him is his mask and a cup of juice, the mask has a band aid on it.

"I hope you enjoyed today's episode of 'The Revan Show' where I finally killed Carth Onasi, handled some planetary business and saved the Star Forge from a jedi threat," Revan weakly reaches over for the cup of juice, he sips it and places it back on the table. "So, from my evil family to yours we all wish you"

The recorder zooms out, all of the beds are filled with Sith soldiers of different shapes and sizes and in the middle is Revan and in a bed next to him is Bastila (who has her head completely bandaged up). Everyone says (Or groans, rather) the next line. "A good Sith day!"

* * *

The End. 


End file.
